It’s Just a Phase: Raising Kids Like Every Week Counts
What’s a Phase?
If you have kids or grandkids you’ve probably heard someone say, or you’ve probably said this yourself at some point about your kids… It’s just a phase!
And you probably said that about a time in your kid’s life when they were having a difficult time but you know, it’ll pass. It’s just a phase. We’ll get through this, whatever it is, and then we’ll be on to the next phase.
But here’s what I want you to think about: Our kid’s lives are made up of phases. They move from one to the next and sometimes it seems so slow. But then one day you wake up and you wonder, where did all the time go?!
What happens for so many of us is that we look back over the phases of our kids lives and we wish we would have done more. We wish we would have emphasized different things. We wish we had that time back because, truth be told, we might have done a few things differently.
And for many people, at the top of the list of things they would have done differently is this… I wish I had spent less time focusing on things that don’t really matter and more time focusing on the things that matter most.
I love the way Reggie Joiner defines this idea of a phase when it comes to our kids. He says,
“Every phase is a timeframe in a kid’s life when you can leverage distinctive opportunities to influence their future.”
– Reggie Joiner
Learn more about how to make the time you have count in: Parenting Beyond Your Capacity
When we begin to count the time we have, we begin to think about how we can make the time we have count!
Time
Have you ever thought about how much time you have?
This may sound crazy, but if you’re curious about how much time you have you might want to visit a website called Deathclock.com. If you visit this site, you can put in your birthday, answer a couple of quick questions, and then it will tell you your estimated day of death. And you’ll see a countdown clock counting down how many seconds you have to live!
What’s really interesting is that you can play with the settings. You can choose between normal, pessimistic, sadistic, or optimistic!
According to the “Normal” setting, I only have 29 years left to live! That’s 10,585 days!
If I change it to the “Optimistic” setting, I’ll live until I’m 96 years old which gives me 18,980 days until I die!
What would you do, how would you live, if you knew exactly how many days you had remaining?
How would that change what you worry about?
How you spend your money?
Who you spend your time with?
How you used the time you had left?
Counting the Time
When we begin to count the time we have, we begin to think about how we can make the time we have count!
We don’t know how much time we have left on planet earth but, on average, when a child is born you’ll have about 1000 weeks with that child until they leave home for college.
Sometimes, we count down the days until they’re out of diapers. Then we count down down the days until they stop teething. After that we’re counting down the days until they can eat by themselves. Until they can go to the bathroom by themselves. Until WE can go to the bathroom by ourselves!
Then… Until they can finally go to school and give us a break.
Before we know it, they’ve flown through their elementary years and they’re getting ready to start middle school. We can’t believe it, but now our son, our daughter, is a teenager! And when they turn 13 years old, you’re down to just 260 weeks!
You realize they’re just 2 years away from getting their driver’s permit. And when they turn 15, you’ve only got 156 weeks.
They’ll be driving by themselves in just 1 year. And you’ll find yourself counting down the days UNTIL they can finally drive by themselves because you’re not sure if what you’re doing is parenting or being an Uber driver for free!
Then you’re counting down the days until they can get a job and pay for some things themselves.
Then… you wake up one day and realize they are about to start their Senior year. You’ve got 52 weeks before they graduate, leave, and go to college.
And you’re wondering at this point, as you’re counting down the days you have remaining if you made the time you had count? Did you focus on the right things? Are they going to leave home with what they need to make it in life?
Sometimes we RUSH from 1 phase to the next. We can’t wait for 1 phase to end and the next to begin. But now you’re near the end and you’re wondering, did you leverage the time you had for what matters most?
When we begin to count the time we have, we begin to think about how we can make the time we have count!
Wisdom Says We Should Number Our Days
And this is especially important to us as followers of Jesus. As people who, above all else, we want our kids to have a real and lasting relationship with Jesus.
Psalm 90.12 gives us ancient wisdom and, if we will listen and learn from it, it has the power to change how we parent our children and for us as a church, it has the power to change how we see our role as a church in the life of our kids.
In Psalm 90.12, the psalmist reminds us:
“Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
What is the psalmist saying?
Wisdom says… Don’t RUSH past this phase, whatever it is. Whatever phase you’re in. Yes, it’s only a phase. BUT, Don’t miss it!
You only know your 2 year old as a 2 year old ONCE! Only 52 weeks. Some of you might say, “Thank goodness!” I understand!
But… don’t miss it!
You’re only going to know your 10 year old as a 10 year old for 365 days. That’s it. That’s all you get.
Don’t miss it!
You only get 12 months to spend time with your 15 year old as a 15 year old.
Don’t miss it.
Every Phase Presents an Opportunity
And don’t miss out on the opportunity that every phase presents. In every phase we have an opportunity to point our kids to Christ! It looks different at different phases. But in every phase you have the opportunity to point your kids to Jesus. As a church, at every phase, we have an opportunity to point our kids to Jesus!
It’s Just a Phase: WONDER
When they are young, it begins with WONDER.
I’ll never forget when my kids were little, laying in the grass in our backyard staring up at the clouds with one of them one day. We were laying there with a sense of awe and wonder at how awesome the clouds were. I don’t know the technical name for the clouds, but my kids call them Toy Story clouds because they were big and fluffy like the clouds you see in the opening of Toy Story.
I remember looking at the clouds with them when one of them realized that God made those clouds. And that sense of awe and wonder and amazement washed over them.
This is why, when our kids are young, it’s so important to help them see God’s creation, all that He has made, it creates a sense of awe and wonder that leads to worship!
You might be tempted to think when they’re young… this is just a phase. I’ll teach them about God later on when they’re older. Yes, it’s just a phase, but don’t miss it.
It’s a timeframe in their life that you can leverage to open their eyes to KNOW GOD and know about the wonderful things God has made.
It’s Just a Phase: DISCOVERY
Then, as they get older, you can help them DISCOVER who God is and all that He has done for us.
Several years ago I had a woman come to me and she asked me to talk to her kids about Jesus. I had never met her sons before but they were both in Middle School so I said I’d be glad to do that. We met at a Dunkin’ Donuts and after I got to know them a little I asked them what they knew about Jesus. They said they didn’t know much. So I just started telling them a few stories.
It was amazing because they had never heard these stories before. I told them about Jesus walking on water, about the time he fed the 5,000, and about how he died and rose again and it absolutely blew their minds. They were discovering Jesus for the first time and it was some of the most fun I’ve ever had in my life, getting to share with them these stories about Jesus!
I know those middle school years are just a phase. Those years where our kids are preteens and in the early teenager years. But this is the phase where so many of our kids DISCOVER who Jesus is and what He has done for us.
Yes, it’s just a phase, but don’t miss it. It’s a timeframe in their life that you can leverage to open their eyes to not just know about Jesus, but begin to LOVE HIM.
It’s Just a Phase: PASSION
And then, as they move into those high school years, we have the opportunity to leverage this time we have with them to help them develop a PASSION for God and SERVING Him with their lives.
If we really want our kids to develop a long and lasting relationship with Jesus, we have to help them understand that they matter to God and that they can make a difference for God.
I remember when I was growing up, my mom always taught the 4 year old class at church. And from time to time I was recruited to help her. And I loved it. I don’t know if I was that good at it, but helping her, serving in that classroom, it gave me a sense of purpose and it taught me that I had a part to play.
As I got older, I was at a church that blessed me with multiple opportunities to go on mission trips in high school. Experience after experience where I got to make a real, tangible difference in the lives of others.
Serving others and serving God, that’s where we find our passion. And here’s the thing, when our kids realize how important they are to God and to his church, it gives them an incredible opportunity to grow into a lifelong follower of Jesus!
Make the Time Count
When you begin to count the time you have, you begin to think about how you can make the time you have count!
So here’s what I want us to do over the next few weeks as we lean into this idea of making the time we have count, I want all of us, parents, grandparents, every person, to think about the role you play in the spiritual lives of our students and I want you to ask yourself this question:
What wouldn’t you do to help our kids become lifelong followers of Jesus?
I was a student minister for a little over 16 years. I worked as a year round intern for 3 different churches during all 4 years of college. So for 20 years, I was a part of something almost every church does every year.
We call it Senior Sunday. It’s the day we honor our graduating Seniors.
This day for me was always bittersweet. But not for the reason you might think. Yes, I was always sad to see our seniors graduate and leave our youth group. Even though I knew they were moving on to the next phase of their lives and I was extremely happy for them.
The reason this day was bittersweet for me was because I knew something that most people didn’t know, and even if they did know it, they weren’t thinking about it. I knew that statistically speaking, about 6 out of 10 high school graduates who grew up in church would leave the church after high school.
6 out of 10. 59%. That was the number a few years ago back when I was still young and cool and still doing student ministry. As of 2019, that number has risen to 64%. So today, it’s about 6.5 out of 10.
Which 6, which 7, students in your life do you want to see walk away from God?
Which 3 or 4 will remain faithful to God? To the church?
What wouldn’t you do to help those 6-7 kids become lifelong followers of Jesus?
“In a survey of one thousand young people from ages eighteen to thirty, researchers found, “Teens who had at least one adult from church make a significant time investment in their lives… were more likely to keep attending church. More of those who stayed in church–by a margin of 46 percent to 28 percent-said five or more adults had invested time with them personally and spiritually.” – Orange Leader Handbook, Reggie Joiner
We have to widen the circle. It really does take a village and we need every person playing a part in the spiritual lives of our kids!
What wouldn’t you do to help our kids become lifelong followers of Jesus?
Now What?
This week, think about what phase your kids are in, or the kids that are around you are in, and find a way to point them to Jesus.
Talk to them about how God made the clouds.
Tell them a story about something amazing Jesus once did and about how much he loves them.
And give them opportunities to make a difference, to serve, to help others and realize that they have a part to play in the story of God!
We may not know how many days we have left on planet earth, but generally speaking we know how many days we have with our kids before they move on from one phase to the next. Let’s not miss the opportunity to leverage the TIME we have in every phase to point our kids to Christ.
Parenting Beyond Your Capacity
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